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Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you