Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
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My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.