Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
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No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Does beer think about me too?
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars