*mops up wine with cat*
You Might Also Like
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on