A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
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7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Never ghost your hitman.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Oh yeah that’s it
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry