therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
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If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.