My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.