Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
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My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
How actors in movies eat their food
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.