When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
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Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.