“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
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paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.