My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it