you know what ruined my childhood? children
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A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Hank is one in a melon.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
#NoRestForTheWicked
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Unimpressed