Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
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Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.