I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
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wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.