You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Good news
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Spell check is for lasers.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.