Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
what are they serving at kfc then???
We’re going to have 27 people over for Thanksgiving this year. I’m going to earn a little extra money by setting up a paywall on my Wi-Fi.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.