Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
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What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
Worst bar ever.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.