I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
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My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
✌️
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.