I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job