[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
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*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.