GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
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You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”