My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Who says great literature is dead?
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
couldn’t resist
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.