[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
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Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Ron is short for Aaronald
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails