Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
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Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
What the hell happened in there??
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…