you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
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He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
the noise i just made
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1