I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
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“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*limbos away from your hug*
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.