it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
just got my engagement photos
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”