My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
wut hotdog?
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
True statement👍😏😁
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
#DesignFail