#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
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[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants