2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
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Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home