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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
do horses think humans are hats
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
real
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi