I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
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I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
🍛
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…