What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
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[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Mmmm canned fish.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Guys, I found it.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.