white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
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When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
not seeing the problem
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Where’s my employee discount too?
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.