My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
2023 was just a warmup
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]