…..pretty much.
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Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two