I’m too immature for adultery.
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My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
See..?
.
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Just a phase…
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.