employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
“No way.” -Jose
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
waiting for halloween be like:
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…