Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
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Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Schrödinger’s cookie
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.