OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
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Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
#winning
yall want some gasoline milk
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
That’s incredible! 👌
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*