Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
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Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.