me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
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Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.