Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.