whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
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[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
mentally somewhere in italy
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
*limbos under the caution tape
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.