[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
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You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Acronyms got me like WTF?
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
couldn’t resist
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude