Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
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4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.