By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
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Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*puts my mental health in rice
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
God, I love Scotland
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one