Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman