Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
If I ignore life will it go away?
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK