sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.